Axelism
by MOLTENblue
Summary: In the world of Twilight Town, a boy named Roxas is dating a boy named Hayner. To some people, that alone is the cause of a midlife crisis. AkuRoku.
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Kingdom Hearts. Square Enix and Disney do.

**AN: **Yes, I'm attempting another chapter story. I plan for this one to have humor, drama, cunning, skill, a dash of romance, maybe even a flick of tragedy, and _cooking._ Cooking's gotta mean something, right? I mean come on, in the TV shows cooking is the _epitome_ of disaster. I shall play that to my advantage.

Now then, bear with me; the prologue is a bit short (barely 850 words, I think) but only because I couldn't really add more without A.) getting even more sidetracked or B.) revealing everything. Then there's the fact I don't really know what else is going on…. Think sitcom + soap opera.

Onwards!

- - -

introducing

A X E L I S M

The Prologue

(in which Our Stage is Rather Vaguely Set)

- - -

Watching them makes me sick. No seriously, I can feel the vomit rise in my mouth every time I lay eyes on them holding hands or feeling each other up or making out. Seeing that makes me physically _sick_. I think the whole world will agree with me, too.

I mean, come _on._ No one wants to see two boys professing undying love for each other in the middle of Tram Commons. Unless, of course, _I'm_ one of those boys.

_Keep dreaming,_ my oh-so-in-touch-with-reality conscience tells me. I ignore the sarcasm and go right along with that advice. _Literally. _Following popular belief I do indeed dream about that boy. I'll confide in you that these dreams never fall below the rating of NC-17 and are usually full of–

_Shit._ Soliloquy beside, there they are, walking hand in hand with stupid little smiles on their faces. They make me want to puke up _hellfire_ that'll burn one to a crisp and make the other run to me for sweet, sweet safety.

And damn it, I'd save his cute little ass with a smile on my face. By the time I got through with him, the name "Hayner" would be completely erased from his memory banks and be replaced with _mine_. How would I go about _that_ feat? Simple. He'd scream it so much–

_Okay._ I really need to stop. If I don't I'll probably get charged with child molestation or something. Hell, I'm probably being charged with that and various other crimes (I _knew_ I shouldn't have set that kid's pants on fire) at this very moment.

Bring 'em on.

But that's not the point. I keep wandering from the point. The point is this: Roxas is dating Hayner. That phrase alone should bring on the apocalypse, or at least the death of the latter, but damn it that's not happening anytime soon on its own accord so I'm going to have to snatch matters out of fate's hands and put 'em in mine.

Here's the plan: there _is _no plan. That, my friends, is the plan of all plans. The no plan plan. _Improvisation._ It's my specialty. I'm the crème de la crème of improvisers and I'm going to play that to my advantage like no other. Some lines here, some blocking there, maybe even some _props._ Yes. _Lots_ of props. Heck, I may even get myself some supporting actors, a sidekick, a damsel in distress…. But that's getting a bit carried away, isn't it?

Watch and learn theater majors, 'cause this is a once in a lifetime opportunity: a crash course in Axelism. Great. I'm going to have to explain it now that I've brought it up, aren't I? Okay, here it is in a nutshell: the act of being like me. Who is me you ask? Me, mes amis, is _me._ Axel. The _man._ How do you be like me? Simple. You become a pyromaniac with a slight obsession for little blonde boys. Y'know, Axelism is kind of a religion if you think about it, but once more that's getting carried away.

Sit back and enjoy people because the ride of a lifetime is getting ready to commence.

Man, I got off subject again didn't I? Y'know, I'm starting to think that doctor or physician or psychologist or whatever who told my mom I had ADD was right. Not that I'm going to start takin' pills or anything. I don't think the citizens of this fair city could deal with a watered down version of me. It'd be like...like it having to deal with that gross Sea Salt Ice Cream shit suddenly becoming discontinued.

Okay, okay I'm not _that_ pronounced or reclaimed or coveted here. And I _don't _have ADD.

Anyways. Once again I'll state the tiny problem we have going on here: Roxas is dating Hayner. Man every time I so much as _think_ that I want to throttle the kid–Hayner, that is. Not Roxas. I'd _never_ lay so much as a slap on that kid.

I admit it: that's a lie. I really do want to punch him for being stupid enough to date Hayner. Then he'd need another punch for dating that chick Naminé for that oh so long period of time. The little lady was using him, people! She only liked him for the _popularity._

Golddigger.

Ahem. Whoever told me calling people names wouldn't help anything was wrong because that made me feel a whole lot better. Back on track. Now, I guess before I plummet into my 'master plan' and all, I should give you the back-story to this madness.

_Damn_. There goes my dryer. Let's label this fiasco as 'To Be Continued' and don't you_ dare_ point out that there's barely anything to continue that all.

Unless, of course, you like yourself flame broiled. Or flambéed. Or even roasted and topped with a light garlic sauce.

Oh. Right. The dryer.

- - -

**AN: **Woo. So our stage is set, if not…vaguely. Excuse Axel; as you can tell, he's not all there. Anyways, did you like it? Love it? Hate it? Do you want to _burn_ it? Express your opinions in a nice review. Hold the flames please, though.

As stated, _pleeaseee _review. My doctor warns that a lack of the things may prove fatal for me and this is the only place I know where I can get the prescription filled.


	2. Roots

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from Kingdom Hearts.

Author's Note: Sorry for the delay you guys! I went on vacation then came back only to find that a writer's block had built itself quite pristinely on my keyboard. So yeah, this chapter has a bit of an odd moment where it flies from third person into first person. Bear with me please, because this'll probably become common in these chapters!

I'd love it if you commented on that particular element of the chapter, too. If it bugs you or is just horribly wrong, please say so! I promise I won't kill you.

But yeah, thank you so much for reviewing you guys! And FoxDemonKiara, the Hayner ashes are sitting in a little cardboard box on my desk. I laugh at them every time I see them.

Welp, here you go guys!

- - -

introducing

A X E L I S M

Chapter One

(in which the Roots of Our Problem are Revealed)

- - -

The day was a bit warm, something not uncommon when it came to spring in Twilight Town. Roxas was wearily making his way from the Lucrecia Building of Science to Market Street, where he planned to buy himself a nice big bar of Scrooge McDuck brand sea-salt ice cream and maybe even a hamburger. It was, after all, Friday, meaning he had a whole two days to get his homework done instead of the regular six hours. Then there was the fact that there were barely two weeks of class left in the year which meant that soon Roxas would be able to savour sweet summer vacation once more.

With a deep sigh, Roxas shouldered his heaving messenger back into a more comfortable position and trudged on, not even noticing when one of his best friends exited another building and began loudly calling his name.

"Roxas? Hey, Roxas! ..._Roxas!_ Hey, anyone home?"

And then Roxas's skull proceeded to get knocked on by the fist of a tan boy known as Hayner. With a wince and a whine Roxas leapt out of the range of fire, blue eyes narrowed down to a glare.

"What was that all about?" he demanded, rubbing his head. His eyebrows drew together when his friend proceeded to laugh and throw an arm around his shoulder, something that Hayner barely ever did.

"Had to get your attention somehow," he replied, shrugging and flashing a grin at Roxas.

"Dude, did you get another girlfriend?" demanded Roxas. He was ever the suspicious one and that was a fact that would never change.

Hayner's eyebrow arched up and a smug smirk settled onto his features, never a good sign. A moment later he let out a laugh and shook his head. "Nah," he said casually. "Girls haven't been catching my interest lately, y'know? After Olette and all..."

Frowning, Roxas nodded. That hadn't been a good sight, not at all. After a two year relationship stretching from the middle of their junior year of high-school to just four or five months ago, everything had just gone to hell in a handbasket with those two. Olette suddenly picked a fight about everything and Hayner had just taken the hint and called it quits. Needless to say, Olette had been quite pleased. Now the two communicated without a care in the world.

And Roxas had believed that you could never be 'just friends' after a relationship...

"So why're you so like...peppy?" Roxas proceeded to ask, frown deepening when he was rubbed on the head. Hayner was being touchy feely.

Hayner was _not _a touchy feely person. Just ask Olette.

"No reason. Must be the weather, y'know?"

Roxas begged to differ. According to Professor Jane Porter, the weather didn't affect squat when it came to mood. Not on a biological level, at least. Despite this, he voiced nothing and the two just kept walking as they were until they were well past Twilight Town Community College main entrance, which was known simply as the Mansion, and meandering their way through what little remained of the forest.

It was when Roxas found himself being dragged closer and closer to his friend that he decided to speak up. With a deep grunt he removed himself from his friend's grasp and stopped, eyes narrowing once more.

"What?" questioned Hayner rather innocently, turning to face Roxas.

"You _are_ going to tell me what's going on," Roxas informed his friend with one raised eyebrow. A group of rather loud students parted to walk around him, but made no move to apologize for stopping in the middle of the road.

"I would, but there's nothing really going on. Not yet, at least."

"Okay, so tell me what's fixing to go on."

"You sure you want to know?"

Roxas responded with a firm nod, frowning once more when Hayner laughed, shrugged, and shook his head.

"Okay, have it your way. What's fixing to go on is this: I'm going to ask you out to dinner tonight. You're hopefully going to say yes."

Behind Roxas, the group of students slowed, suddenly interested in the exchange going on behind them. Once again, Roxas was ignorant of their presence, too caught up in the fact that he'd basically just been asked out on a date by his best friend. After processing that fact (which was a bit hard, in his opinion), a smirk formed across his lips.

"Okay," he said, shrugging. "Why not?"

Hayner's face proceeded to light up like fireworks and from behind Roxas something _did_ light up like fireworks: the grass.

This, my friends, is where I come in. Now, as you know I enjoy fire. The more accurate phrase would be I enjoy fire _immensely. _Because of this, I naturally carried one or two (or three or four) lighters in my pocket–I mean, god forbid I get _bored._ As I was listening to Hayner's idiotic attempt at smoothness, I had been absentmindedly flipping one off and on and on and off, totally unaware of the fact Roxas would say yes. When he did, indeed, agree to this stupid date, I proceeded to drop the lighter and send the place up in flames.

And that was the end of Twilight Town Community College.

Kidding. But really, that patch of grass is still black to this day.

Back on subject: Roxas proceeded to accept and they frolicked off to get their beloved sea-salt ice cream and gossip with their beloved sophomore friends. The minute they were gone, the group I was with burst out laughing.

"Man, that guy's a fruit," stated a blonde headed man after the laughing had subsided.

"Which one? Your cousin or rocks for brains?" shot another blonde–this one female–with a smirk.

"Both of them, naturally," chimed in another male with a toss of his pink locks before the first speaker could defend his family. The blonde man fumed.

"I don't believe you're in a position to judge on this one, Marluxia," came the icy cool voice of the final person of the group. His statement sent said Marluxia bristling.

"Zexion's got a point, you know," the first speaker contemplated, completely forgetting the insult to his household.

"You're not helping, Demyx," Marluxia hissed, sending a death glare in the direction of his mulleted friend.

"Guys, calm down. It's been established in the past that Marluxia is the fruitiest of them all. Let's not bring this argument back to life–it bores me," whined the female.

"And god knows a bored Larxene means the coming of hell," I finished, rolling my eyes dramatically and kicking the patch of black grass before me.

"_Norse_ hell," Larxene elaborated. "You get the regular hell. I mean, look how many lighters you carry in your pocket."

"Drop it, Larxy," I muttered flatly, staring her dead in the eye. For normal people this would mean instant death, but I was not normal. Plus, I was rather sick of the way everyone picked on the fact I had a lighter collection. People had collections and I was a person and I happened to choose to collect _lighters._

They're pretty and shiny and they emit that thing called _fire._ What more do you need in an object?

"Someone's touchy," Marluxia stated with a raised eyebrow.

"Of course he is, Marluxia! A brat just swept the love of his life out from under his nose Wouldn't you be touchy?" countered Demyx. Count on him to defend me in the most depressing way possible.

"Dude, Demyx, Axel hasn't so much as talked to the kid. How could he be the 'love of his life?'" demanded Larxene.

Just as Demyx was getting ready to go into one of his long rants about 'true love' and 'soulmates,' Zexion decided to speak up. Good old Zexion, always saving all of our asses from some untimely and cruel death.

"Perhaps we should move to a location that _isn't_ in the middle of college traffic."

We all turned our eyes to him, then to the congested traffic of college students behind us. Larxene let out a snort and Demyx a whimper before our group proceeded to go with the flow and filter onto Market Street.

"I can't believe we gave up Dark City for this," Marluxia muttered to me as we walked. In our opinion, Twilight Town was the polar opposite of Dark City: while the latter was dark, full of parties, and a bit on the ghetto side, the former was light, innocent, and _rich._ Sure, you'd think you'd like that, but after inhabiting somewhere like Dark City for most of your life, you kinda get used to it.

Yet of course, we didn't realize this and like idiots decided to transfer from Dark City University to Twilight Town Community College (TTCC to the common folk) because we thought it would be easier. Mind you, Dark City may not have been the best place, but when you have teachers like crazy old Xehanort and Saîx, the best is all that's accepted. To us, the best was a bit too far up to reach (meaning that we'd actually have to get off our lazy asses to do it), so we figured a Community College would offer us an easy ride and went into that whole Study Abroad thing.

We soon found out that TTCC may have been small, but _hell_ it was prestigious. And not for sports either. Nope, it was ranked number one in our corner of the solar system for freaking _academics._

Needless to say we found ourselves actually working and thanking god this was our last year in hell.

But of course, there's more to a town than its colleges. The main problem with TTCC was the fact that it was located in Twilight Town (which is kind of a no brainer considering the name) and that Twilight Town was full of snobby little brats who were too caught up in their social lives to give a damn about anyone else.

No seriously: I almost got a concussion because these two idiots who were dueling got too caught up in talk of 'who had sex with who and when, where, and why' to look where they were going! Sure, I may have ignored the 'WARNING: SPARS IN PROGRESS' sign and walked straight into the ring, but damn it, where I come from pedestrians have the right of way!

Moving on with life.

"Just shows how big of idiots we are," I replied with a shrug, pulling out my lighter once more. I suddenly realized I'd look much cooler if I had a cigarette. Then I remembered that smoking around Larxene equaled death, so I squashed that thought.

"I tried to tell you how completely insufferable this place was," muttered Zexion. "But god forbid you actually listen to someone who has been here."

"Shut up, Zexy," we replied in unison. Needless to say, this was not the first time we had heard those lines. Said Zexy did not utter another word–instead, he relied on an icy glare to do the speaking for him. It did.

_I told you never to call me that!_ we could practically hear him screech. We all pondered on our own versions of that scene.

A moment of silence passed.

Then two.

"Soo, what is everyone doing tonight?"

Ah, count on Demyx to break the silence and bring to light the fact that it was a Friday night and we had absolutely nothing to do. Or at least, I didn't.

"I've got a nail appointment in an hour," Larxene said, shrugging. We all took a moment to remember that she was, indeed, a girl, thus stopping us from questioning why the hell she would want to get her nails done.

"I've got to tend to my nursery–it's the beginning of a new planting season, after all," chimed Marluxia much too gaily, pun intended.

"Studying," offered Zexion flatly.

"Party-pooper," I muttered.

"We're not all theatre majors," he countered.

"Ouch, Zexy, that one hurt." 

"Anyways, _I_ have a cooking class," Demyx continued. "What about you Axel?"

I was at a loss for words. I, Axel, had nothing to do on a Friday night while my friends were completely occupied. It hurt, right in the heart, really. With a blink, I regained my composure and shrugged. "I'm sure I'll find something."

A circle of raised eyebrows suddenly surrounded me.

"Well, I'm leaving," Larxene said quickly, turning on her heel and walking towards the Train Station. "Have fun with yourself, Axel!"

_Perverted little bitch,_ my mind screamed.

"As much as you need the studying," began Zexion dryly, "I'm afraid theater majors don't take honors classes." And then he was off, making his way towards the library.

"Sorry about that, Axel. I'd love to keep you company, but greenhouses can only fit one person! Toodles!"

And that was the last of Marluxia, meaning that Demyx and I were now standing alone in the middle of Market Street.

"Well, my class starts in fifteen and I have to run to my apartment for a moment, so I'd best be off too, Axel," he said, offering me the most apologetic of smiles. It slightly warmed my heart.

"You do that, Demyx," I said, all fiery pep leaving my body and being replaced by utter despair. I turned to begin the long sulk home, but was interrupted by Demyx suddenly dragging me closer to him.

"The reservations are at seven at Mrs. Pott's Gourmet Bistro," he said in a way that probably meant this was some sort of secret. It took a moment to process, but when it did it sent upon my face a grin so wide the Cheshire cat would've been jealous.

My night was suddenly _booked._

TBC

( dun _dun _**dun** )

Author's End Note: Well, that was a bit odd…the whole third person to first person thing that is. It's a bit choppy in my opinion, but please bear with me – I've been struggling with writer's block for awhile.

**Review** or I'll have Roxas realize that Hayner is his one true love.


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